Constantly obsessing. It is in no way constructive and just changing that one thing would probably completely change who I am. I kinda like who I am, but the worrying gets a bit much.
If I got pregnant now, it would be nothing short of a miracle. And one that will be terminated promptly. I’m in no position to take care of another life – I can hardly take care of myself. Fortunately I have seriously good contraception working in my favour, should a man suddenly decide to have an interest in me.
My new website. Last Monday I was asked for a rate card – something that is still in the works, but that bodes very well. I’m hoping to approach a couple of lifestyle companies for more sponsorships. Imagine if I could get Vida e at 24 Central to sponsor me a daily coffee/hot chocolate. Or a weekly pilates class at The Gym on Eleventh! Maybe BlackBerry will make me an online ambassador; maybe a cool hair salon in the city will swap a tint, snip & style for an ad spot.
There are a lot of uncertainties and opportunities that will help me be a little more than an average pencil pusher in a cubicle waiting for the perfect writing job. The fact that I can create the perfect writing job for myself – priceless!
1992 – The stress of high school, I suppose. 1998 – The insanity of humanity. War, murder, etc. I could not imagine living in such a place, and even less so, raising a child in such a place. (Yes, at that stage I still considered having children somewhere in my future.) 2009 – Being overwhelmed. I had never been as miserable as the first half of last year. Life seemed to have no positive purpose. NOTHING was going my way, even a little bit. I was tired. I could not see how to cope with everything beating against me.
Fear of failing. Contradictory, isn’t it. But that is essential what I am. To explain, if I attempted, and I mean seriously attempted suicide (again), and the attempt was not successful, I couldn’t bear the thought of being a burden – financially as well as physically – on my mother. I wouldn’t want to be a little gem squash stuck in this body, unable to do anything; that would frustrate me more than living miserably as I do now. I can at least distract myself in my current situation. So there you have it: Not believing in myself & what I’m capable of is why I’m still inflicted on civilisation.
I love you with everything I am made up with – all the nice and pretty, all the bad and ugly, all the moody all the whimsy; all of it. And when prodded you might say that you love me in your own special way, but you know that there is going to be a time, soon, when that will no longer be enough.
Four years ago I made you a mix CD. You don’t know where it is, which is a pity; it was a pretty awesome compilation and I wouldn’t have minded it back. If I were to make you another CD now, there would be a few songs that overlap with the first, because, for obvious reasons, they remind me of you. A sample of the playlist will include:
Into my arms – Nick Cave
Nothing else matters – Metallica
Beautiful – Karen Zoid
Love of my life – Dave Matthews with Santana
Another white dash – Butterfly Boucher
Instant pleasure – Rufus Wainwright
The space between – Dave Matthews Band
Ohne Dich – Rammstein
I feel you – Depeche Mode
My heart – K’s Choice
You’ll never find another love like mine – Lou Rawls
I hope you find what you’re looking for – it’s not the CD, I’m pretty sure of that. And I hope I have the courage to move on when the opportunity to do so presents itself.
Hugs and kisses
Mej. van Zyl
I wish I’d stuck to my first course of study and finished it. I doubt that I would have been physically able to do so, what with me keeling over at the smell of formalin, and my utter inability to draw biochem structures. I miss lab work. I loved learning more about the amazing resilient ant fallible human body.