- Love of my life
- How I feel about my life at the moment
- How to make more of my website
- The stuff I want that I can’t have
Pretty much in that order, I suppose. I guess you could also say it’s a bit of a one-track mind.
This is another tricky one. There are confessions, and then there are confessions. But here goes:
secretly hoping that something will happen to solve my money troubles. Like winning the sweepstakes of the charity I support, or finding a sugar daddy who’s too busy to bother me and still tries to buy my affection, or Standard Bank as a whole being destroyed by aliens, etc.
2. I sometimes think I want to meet a guy who will sweep me off my feet and want to marry me, but the truth is I have already been swept. I just need to see a sangoma or something to try and change his mind (the sweeper, not the sangoma) about wanting to spend the rest of his life with me.
3. As much as I want to go on a shopping spree for makeup, shoes and pretty clothes, I’ve realised that the ultimate shopping experience for me would be being let loose in an Exclusive Books (preferably the one in Nelson Mandela Square or another sizable one) with a couple of trolleys and a credit card (someone else’s) with no limit. And then to rent a store room to be turned into my own private library, since I already don’t have space for all my books, with a comfy char, etc. that could be my happy place on weekends.
Another year into the dirty thirties. And aside from the top five things on my wishlist (tattoo, spa day with all the trimmings, cold hard cash, hot heels, a gadget – full list here), there are a few unlikely things I’m hoping for:
A KitchenAid Mixer with attachment pack (in Almond Cream)
Paint for my brand new room (although I’ve not decided on colour scheme)
Gym membership/personal trainer (with a workout wardrobe)
Guest column in a magazine (I’d just like to see my name in print again)
A full body scan (because my body is revolting, as in fighting against me – not just being gross :P)
I suppose it’s a little strange, but there you have it. Five weeks. Two threes. *sigh*
I’m tired. Mostly from not getting enough sleep – if it’s not the dogs, it’s the sleep walking/talking roomie, or the other inhabitants of the house going about their business while I try to get an early night to compensate for my early rise. But it’s gone beyond that.
The general consensus is that I’m overreacting. I feel like I’m heading for a break down at a great speed. I’m miserable. I feel unloved, lonely, inadequate and trapped. It feels like I’m constantly being criticised and that only the negative things about me are being highlighted by the person I rely on the most for uplifting and encouraging me: my mom. Nothing I do seems to be good enough, and her comments last night – telling me to grow up and that the world does not revolve around me – only opened up years of festering resentment about never living up to expectations.
There is nothing I can do to change the situation; there is nowhere I can go. I have nothing – no money, no desire to be alive. I spend days in tears, unable to pull myself together; unable to contemplate a light at the end of the tunnel.
So it turns out my mother’s never had a kitchen tea, and as a result we’ve decided to throw one of those instead of a conventional housewarming when we move into her new flat (which has not progressed much to date).
I’ll whisk her off to Menlyn against her will one Saturday morning to sign up for a gift registry at every home ware shop we come across, which we will then send out to everyone in our address books. And ask all of those people to forward it on to everyone in their address books.
You see, we have no pots/pans, cutlery, mugs, glasses, plates… we pretty much have our clothes. And a few bits of furniture. We’d both like new beds, but I’m not sure I’ll have space in my new room for a bigger bed, so I’ll settle for a new mattress.
But for the time being we wait (not so) patiently for the plans to be approved, the inspector to give the thumbs up, so we can build our new home.
Stupid former sister in law. Stupid former father. Stupid life. Stupid stupid.
Every time I develop the intention of saving a bit of money, something happens. If it’s not the x-rays and doctors’ bills that fall into my self-payment gap, it’s a gross wardrobe failure, necessitating the urgent scheduling of a bit of essential and expensive shopping. Except, without the backup of a credit card, neither the shopping nor the payment of bills have happened yet, although arrangements have been made to pay the x-rays over three months. (I’m still anxiously awaiting the shock of two orthopaedic consultation bills.)
Meanwhile my mom was happily planning on buying the bath for our new flat, when she received news that a) the settlement amount on our home is about R20 000 more than she planned and b) she needs to pay close to R3 000 to the social worker assigned to my nephew’s case. Because my brother’s first wife is a fucking bitch (FB). There, I said it.
The social worker told both my brother and the FB that neither of them are allowed to tell my nephew the outcome of the mediation; that the social worker will tell him when his parents go in to sign the parenting plan. And then FB told him the morning before they signed. I feel she should pay that R550 penalty because SHE broke the rules. She also refused to drive with my mom to the social worker’s office, saying she’ll get in the car with anyone but my mom. I contemplated taking to Twitter to find her a chauffeur for the day. In the end the social worker went to FB’s home, charging an additional R790 (which I feel that miserable cow should pay for too). And for going through the plan again to ensure everyone’s familiar with the content, she charged the balance of the money my mom has to pay. And despite the plan stating that no party is allowed to bad mouth the party or their extended families, FB has got plenty nasty and untrue things to say about my mom to my nephew. There should be a fine for that too, but she’s so stingy, trying to get any money out of her is simply pissing in the wind. Have I mentioned she’s a fucking bitch?
So ja. Mom and I are both a little down in the dumps while I shake my fist at the universe, demanding… well, I don’t demand. But dammit, we need a break from all this misery!
Five months. That’s all I have to plan my next mother of a pity party. You see, yesterday I was watching reruns (are there any other kind of show on DSTV?) of Cake Boss, when I realised it’s downhill to my next birthday. And I pondered getting some people together, feeding them cake (as much as I’d like to keep all the cake in the world for myself) in a pleasant setting, along with some fabulous drinky-goodies. Well, I pondered for all of 10 minutes before realising that I don’t have money for a venue, cake and drinky-goodies for people outside my family (and even the family will only get the tiniest slices of cake and will have to make their own coffee). And any money I manage to save in the meantime I’d rather spend on making myself happy than feeding other people. Yes, I guess I’m a little strange that way. Maybe one day when I’m not obsessing about having enough food for my family, about paying my debt and about money in general, I’ll happily entertain the masses. In fact, I’m so hopeful about that, I’ve added it to my bucket list. Some of you (yes, I’m assuming I have a large and wide-read audience), may have seen my list before, but I’ve modified it to having those things I reasonably expect to achieve within the next year or two (so if anyone feels like helping me cross any off the list in five months, you know how to get hold of me). Also, that was not a hint for the friendly neighbourhood stalker. I’m trying to see how many and how generous readers of this blog are (trying to be optimistic here).
Hot air balloon ride
A spa day with all the trimmings (maybe even an overnight stay)
Learn to sketch
Learn to make something new with origami
Sew a dress
Throw a big party
Host book club meeting
Take a proper holiday, like at a resort or something like that.
Complete La Mer range
Christian Louboutin heels (Or at least sexy heels from Aldo)
64GB iPod touch/16GB iPod Nano
Diamond earings (nothing big and blingy; plain little studs would do)
Kindle 4 + skin + lighted leather cover (apple green)
High tea at The Saxon (I love the Westcliff, but think it’s time to try something new. Although, as long as there’s cake I’ll go anywhere!)
A new bed – one I can choose for aesthetics and comfort
A reading chair for my room (because my bed can’t handle my sleeping in AND living on it)
Now to start saving in order to make these happen. I’ve requested a quote for the tattoo – I think it’s important for the stage in my life I’m going through; maybe that will be the first thing I cross off the list.