I’m tired. Mostly from not getting enough sleep – if it’s not the dogs, it’s the sleep walking/talking roomie, or the other inhabitants of the house going about their business while I try to get an early night to compensate for my early rise. But it’s gone beyond that.
The general consensus is that I’m overreacting. I feel like I’m heading for a break down at a great speed. I’m miserable. I feel unloved, lonely, inadequate and trapped. It feels like I’m constantly being criticised and that only the negative things about me are being highlighted by the person I rely on the most for uplifting and encouraging me: my mom. Nothing I do seems to be good enough, and her comments last night – telling me to grow up and that the world does not revolve around me – only opened up years of festering resentment about never living up to expectations.
There is nothing I can do to change the situation; there is nowhere I can go. I have nothing – no money, no desire to be alive. I spend days in tears, unable to pull myself together; unable to contemplate a light at the end of the tunnel.
Today I read that my medication might be the reason for me not wanting a boyfriend, that my depression might be useful, and that there now are another two financial institutions who don’t want to assist me in consolidating my debt. And my constant obsession about my financial circumstances is apparently called ruminating.
I also felt compelled to do a quick tarot reading (I had the time and opportunity to do a lot of stuff today), and basically (not to bore you with pictures & stuff) it said: You feel a need for harmony and balance in your life. If you have been through some tough times, such as a break up of a relationship or financial problems, peace will be restored. However if you are still experiencing problems, this is a time for calm, careful control and patience and you will soon have a sense of normality again. Normality my ass! The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is success and achievement, and the support and influence of perhaps your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life who you believe could help. Definitely not my father… unless he decides to die this week. Yes, I know. I’m a bad person! You are feeling insecure, perhaps have money worries. There are people around you who love and care for you and they will give you support. This is a time of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life. A period of dramatic change and upheaval, however this period of change will herald a new beginning.
Yes, yes. Whatever.
In other news, I have registered my profile on About.me – they’re currently dishing out invites, so reserve your username before someone else nicks it.
And the fabulous Megan, whom I’ve not yet had the privelege to meet, is nudging me to participate in the 30 Day blog meme. I figure I might as well, since I have very little else keeping me busy. And I’m avoiding planning for NaNoWriMo. And no, that does not mean I’ve made up my mind about participating. I merely contemplated getting started on planning this morning between snooze-button moments.
Less than seven weeks to my birthday. Now accepting early gifts in the form of funds for debt relief… Just saying 😛