It is no secret that I wrestle with depression daily. The details of my demons aren’t common knowledge and that’s how I prefer it.
Most days are a struggle, bit I get through it by staying busy and focusing on things that matter – like work. I spend a minimum of two hours a day in traffic to spend ten hours at the office. I enjoy doing research, and even when I sometimes feel like I don’t know what, or how to write, it always pushes me a little outside my comfort zone, and that’s great.
I take pride in my job as little cog in the greater clockwork. I read mails and attachments thoroughly as soon as they come in; I prepare for meetings in advance; I try to always make a useful contribution; I do what is expected of me as quickly and thoroughly as I can. And although several others don’t share my work ethic, I’ve never let that, or the threat of Section 189 influence my work or how I conduct myself, provided their (in)actions don’t affect what I do.
I wonder if you know, intended recipient, that when you’re absent there’s an air of lethargy – they feel more relaxed because you’re not there to check up on them, look over their shoulders, etc. your presence has never dictated the urgency for me to do what I do. Today I was undermined for my work. I attended a meeting where everyone else shamelessly admitted they hadn’t read anything relating to it. That didn’t bother me. When everything I said was ignored I felt disappointed, insulted even.
Unfortunately today was one of the two days this week I should not have gotten in my car – emotionally and physically I’ve been extremely ill, but staying at home wouldn’t have fixed anything, and working should’ve helped. But it didn’t. It resulted in me losing respect for people.
If someone yells at me across the office in answer to a private mail, when people expect others to be laid back because it’s just a job, and not even one they like all that much or plan to stick around in, I refuse to smile and be unfazed.
So, when I said circumstances should be very different for me to consider another job… I think it may have changed. Trust has been violated too many times, and my interaction with colleagues will now be limited to meetings only. I’m done being poisoned by negativity and people happy to get by by exerting the least amount of effort possibly.
This is something you need to keep in mind, recipient. People know of others what the others choose to share with them, and with a single exception, no one has even the faintest clue of the depth of my trouble. Consider this: do you want me to be happy-ish and focus on my work, or do you want me to be social with people who I no longer have much regard for. For my survival and self-preservation I choose the first.
And while I will do my work with the same dedication as I always have, I am no longer unfailingly dedicated to your department. This week they have done me more harm than I could ever possibly have inflicted on myself – and trust me, that takes some doing.
I appreciate everything you’ve taught me; you have been great at guiding us, and one of the conditions that would’ve had to change before this incident for me to seriously consider leaving, would be having a different manager. You lead, you inspire, you push just enough. Thank you for that. But I can’t do this anymore.