Monthly Archives: March 2011

About stress and stuff

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My body seems unable to cope with the amount of stress I’m experiencing at the moment. My one kidney aches, my skin is a mess, I’m tired and nauseous all the time.

So yesterday I (very reluctantly) applied for a professional to contact me regarding debt counselling. Which resulted in a tiny panic attack. My gut tells me this is not a good idea and that it will cause more stress than relieve it. My head tells me that if I could only get my debt consolidated (even just half of it) I’d be able to pay everything I need to without resorting to desperate measures, as I’ve had to for the last three years. But it also knows that no bank will lend me that amount of money.

And now I wait for a stranger to call me and get all up in my digits. I’m not happy about it, but it doesn’t seem like I have a choice. I’ve been avoiding the debt counselling for so long, especially after my mom told me that the past year she’s been under counselling has been the worst decision she made.

Speaking of my mom, she’s officially single again since Tuesday afternoon. Now we just need to get the house sold so she can start over. I’m going to mail her as soon as I’ve posted this, to hear what my nephew’s report card says. I miss my people – everyone I love is in Pretoria. I’ve left everything behind for a job that did not live up to its promises and expectations.

Oh well, I suppose I should be happy it’s Friday. And payday – for what that’s worth.

Save your judgements – they are wrong in any case

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Don’t judge a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes… That doesn’t seem to stop people. And now I’m going to expose myself to judgement even more. But that’s okay. Apparently things are better out than in.

Last Thursday as I went to bed, I looked through the box I keep all my medicine in: a variety of antidepressants, sleeping pills, antispasmodics, schedule five painkillers, etc. and came to the conclusion that I don’t need to take all of them. One or two of a couple would be more than enough. And if I don’t use it all, maybe it won’t look like suicide, and then the insurance and everything will pay out, my mom won’t have to worry about my debt, she can get my car, and both she and my best friend will have some money to get them through their own financial rough patches.
The timing was perfect too: my housemate was going to be away for the weekend, and her pets would survive not being fed for one day.

But then I made the mistake of telling my friend about my plans on Friday morning. I needed to tell someone to sell my books for extra money, take the food I’ve bought that’s left in the freezer. And since he’s gone through a depression the scale of which he’s never experienced before, I thought he’d understand. Not encourage or support me, of course, just understand.
However, he was being all reasonable and level headed and not quite as understanding. I don’t know how I thought he would be. Being depressed for a few months, even as unlikely as it is for him to be anything but optimistic, cannot compare to over a decade of major depression, various drug and therapy treatments, and more suicidal tendencies than a 70s cult.

Of course everything he said was true, and behold, I’m still around, but I’m not any happier or closer to being “in a good/better place”.

I’m sure everyone reading this (assuming anyone is) thinks it couldn’t have been too serious if I didn’t go through with it; or I couldn’t have been serious about it if I told anyone about it. You have no idea. And to be honest, things have gotten worse. I didn’t think it was possible.

For those who believe committing suicide is selfish, have you ever thought how selfish it is for people who can’t change your circumstances, to expect that you should carry on. And do so without complaining. To count your blessings – there are people who have it worse than you. Yes there are; they seem to be coping better with their disadvantages than what I am, privileged as I am. And I have an excellent emotional support system.
Unfortunately external circumstances are breaking me down and I am in no position to do anything about it. And being an emotional wreck is influencing my life in broad. I don’t want my mom to know, so as far as she knows I’m happy. I’m withdrawing socially because I don’t want to bother other people with my problems. The only person who knows about my demons in details is my best friend. Until the writing of this post, he had the burden of keeping my secret, and to fight to keep me alive on top of his own troubles. That was selfish. That is part of the reason I’m writing this.

I am broken. I don’t see how I’m going to get fixed. I will fight on as long as Morné fights with me. I think we’ve reached a new level in our relationship. I’ve never told anyone of any of my previous attempts in detail before. He’s verbalised how much I’ve meant to him over the past decade. Maybe that has given me some hope.

Do I feel better writing this? No. I just feel like the same emotional, whining person I am every day. Now I just have (another) public record thereof.

March tarot reading

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Monthly tarot reading from Lotus tarot
The Star 

Card 1 (The Star) : How you feel about yourself now  »

You feel there is hope, or if you don’t, have faith – a tranquil period is imminent. If you have been ill, suffered bereavement or disappointment in love, take heart, good fortune is on its way. New horizons are indicated and you will feel a new zest for life. This is your wish card – if considering a new love affair, new job or career, or travel, then go for it. You may also receive a gift or gifts!

The Lovers 

Card 2 (The Lovers) : What you most want at this moment  »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to know what choice to make – carry on as you are or take a risk? The risk offers excitement and change and staying as you are …. Well you know what that has to offer. Dare to love, dare to live?

The Magician 

Card 3 (The Magician) : Your fears  »

If there’s a new man in your life you are probably asking yourself if he can be trusted? Or perhaps this is a man of influence in your life, a boss or advisor – take care in whom you place your trust. You are feeling disappointed – your romantic desires are unfulfilled at this time and you are wondering if they ever will be. Don’t worry, this won’t last.

The Emperor 

Card 4 (The Emperor) : What is going for you  »

You are self-assured and more than capable of influencing people or events to achieve what you want. What’s more, support and guidance from your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life is there for the asking. Go for it!

Wheel Of Fortune 

Card 5 (Wheel Of Fortune) : What is going against you  »

A run of bad luck here, perhaps already evident or certainly signs that things are not going your way. The responsibility of important decisions weigh heavy with you where there are choices to make. Trust your intuition, and even if you have to make the painful decision to give up something in order to move on, then have the courage to do it. Trust that The Wheel of Fortune constantly turns and whilst it may be against you at the moment it will in time turn and bring you good fortune.

The Moon 

Card 6 (The Moon) : Outcome  »

Whilst you are confused and fearful and allowing your anxieties to hold you back, trust that all will turn out well in the end. Things may seem tough or confusing but stick with it, its right for you. The Moon is a good omen if you are in a clandestine affair and helps guide us to open our minds to new and unexpected possibilities.