Monthly Archives: November 2010

Declare your judgements

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During the days leading up to my birthday I’m prone to a bit of introspection; looking back on the past year and what I haven’t have achieved. Ja, I’m not quite living up to the posetive outlook asscociated with Sagittarians (yet); it’s a work in progess.

And looking at the people who follow me on Twitter, I often wonder how others perceive me, and why a person has decided to follow me.

So I am going to ask you, peoples of the interwebs, as a way to gauge what people think of me, if you could change anything about me to make me a better person in your eyes, what would it be? Would it be just one thing? Do you think I’m as good as I’m going to get and don’t need to change a thing? Maybe I should just give up and sit quietly in a corner sulking? And I know that very few people actually know me, but from what you know, what could be different?

Because there’s no pleasing everyone, this may be rather interesting. Or depressing.

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End of the year breakdown

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It was bound to happen, although I really hoped it wouldn’t.

On Friday when 98% of our department went to the year-end lunch, I slipped away to Pretoria. My mom knew I was coming, but she didn’t know I’d be there so early. I picked up my nephew from school, and saw he was absolutely miserable. He had lost one of the two R5 which my mom gave him – as she does every Friday – and was in quite a state because of this. I promptly gave him a new R5 and told him not to worry. Which is when I started worrying. He was very emotional, and told me he feels he’s too emotional (he’s only 11 years old)! There has been a lot of tension between his mom and mine, made worse by the fact that his mom supports my dad in the divorce.

I took him to Wimpy in an effort to cheer him up. Afterwards we went home, my mom took him to have his hair cut, and when they got back I gave him the traffic light lollipop I got at the TomTom event a week earlier.

This was about the same time as my mom went to sit outside sobbing her heart & eyes out. I felt so powerless. There was nothing I could do to make her feel better. Her finances are in a worse state than mine (that’s saying a lot), my father keeps dragging the process out, my gran is the polar opposite of lucid (but still alive and in fighting spirits almost a week after being discharged from hospital), my nephew is now only allowed to stay over on Sunday nights, she has no groceries in the cupboard, and the security company has handed her account over to their lawyers for non-payment.

And between her sobs she tells me she is not up to carrying on with life. Having been there myself so many times, I try to think what I can do to convince her we need her. Eventually she calms down and we head inside to tell my nephew to have a bath. While lazing on the couch she asks me what’s leaking from my car. On closer inspection it turns out it was petrol, from my freshly filled up petrol tank. I call my brother who says he’ll have a look when he comes from work. Mom takes nephew away and I take the chance to have a big fat, shoulder-jerking sob.

Fortunately I have a really good support system, and one friend offered to lend me some money to sort out the security company and buy groceries. I also gave my mother some extra money to use for petrol or the utilities or whatever she needs it for.First payment I make when I get my bonus goes to my friend. So much for paying off suffocating interest bearing debt.

When my brother finally pitched and assessed the situation, it turned out that it wasn’t too big a problem, that he could fix it, and that it shouldn’t cost me too much. The fact that it would cost me anything at all was not a happy idea. But still, it could’ve been worse.

Saturday I bought quite a bit of groceries, and when I unloaded it yesterday, my mom was in tears again. She cannot accept that she has te be dependent on her children. I say she should be grateful she raised such awesome children that are willing to take care of her.

It is really hard for me to be strong like this when my own life & situations are making me utterly miserable, but if it will keep my mom alive, I will find a way to do it. I just really wish the three people that make her life difficult would just disappear.

Another Tarot Thursday

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It has been an very emotional week, and it’s going into the second one. I’m tired and despondent and all sorts of negative things. But that is still nothing compared to what my colleague is feeling. I do believe she is toxic and it’s rubbing off on me. But, here we go. (Get your own reading here)
Wheel Of Fortune

Card 1 (Wheel Of Fortune) : How you feel about yourself now  »

Perhaps you feel due for a bit of good luck or indeed are experiencing some at the moment. The Wheel of Fortune is a card of destiny. What is happening now we could call fate, so if positive things are happening with your love life, career or finances this is no coincidence. If no such things are happening, expect a sudden change in fortune.

 

 

 

The Hanged Man

Card 2 (The Hanged Man) : What you most want at this moment  »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to have it all, why should you have to give something or someone up? Perhaps you feel a victim and that events are not going as planned. Trust that this is a passage from one phase of your life to another. If you are not sure what or who you need to give up, trust that what will be will be, and will ultimately be to your benefit.

 

 

The Moon

Card 3 (The Moon) : Your fears  »

Lies and insecurity are likely to be prominent in your life at the moment, you are afraid of being deceived and feel that you are being misled. Trust your instincts and let them guide you away from those who may seem charming but are only out for their own gains. Your turbulent emotions are muddying the waters – step back and try to find clarity of mind, although this may seem difficult. The Moon does help to illuminate the way and don’t worry, it will turn out alright in the end.

 

 

The Empress

Card 4 (The Empress) : What is going for you  »

The harvest is here; you are entering an abundant time of happiness and joy. Creative energy is high so if you are considering starting a family, a new job or artistic endeavour this is a favourable time. Relax and enjoy.

 

 

 

 

The Hierophant

Card 5 (The Hierophant) : What is going against you  »

You are simply struggling to conform to others expectations of you and everybody has an opinion of what you should do. Perhaps you are having a crisis of faith and are unsettled at a very spiritual level. Ask yourself who you really are? What is important to you? What makes you happy? Seek out advice or wise counsel if you wish, but accepting who you really are and going after what you want instead of what others want for you is the most important.

 

The Hermit

Card 6 (The Hermit) : Outcome  »

This is a time for you to be alone or may herald a time of loneliness. Take this time for quiet introspection and rest. Don’t worry you will find the answers, but the Hermit signals a warning not to make hasty decisions. If you have been unwell this is a time for rest and recuperation.

Day 28 – What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

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If I got pregnant now, it would be nothing short of a miracle. And one that will be terminated promptly. I’m in no position to take care of another life – I can hardly take care of myself. Fortunately I have seriously good contraception working in my favour, should a man suddenly decide to have an interest in me.

Day 27 – What’s the best thing going for you right now?

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My new website. Last Monday I was asked for a rate card – something that is still in the works, but that bodes very well. I’m hoping to approach a couple of lifestyle companies for more sponsorships. Imagine if I could get Vida e at 24 Central to sponsor me a daily coffee/hot chocolate. Or a weekly pilates class at The Gym on Eleventh! Maybe BlackBerry will make me an online ambassador; maybe a cool hair salon in the city will swap a tint, snip & style for an ad spot.

There are a lot of uncertainties and opportunities that will help me be a little more than an average pencil pusher in a cubicle waiting for the perfect writing job. The fact that I can create the perfect writing job for myself – priceless!