The first thing that comes to mind is my inability to let go – especially of negative things/feelings. Ruminating, like that article in the NY Times which I linked to yesterday calls it. Replaying situations/scenarios and wondering how I could have handled it differently, or how an alternative outcome could have been brought about.
And something that ties in with that is allowing other people’s mood to influence mine – but usually only when it’s negative. This morning, case in point. I wasn’t in a great mood, but I was venturing just-just above the ‘neutral’ level. Until I made it to the office. One colleague shared how she struggles to be content with her new job; she’s only been here a month. I’ve been here for three and every day the struggle gets more difficult. So that immediately made my mood dip below ‘neutral’. I was slowly pulling myself back up when another colleague arrived and started complaining from the moment she got to her desk, which is right next to mine.
I’m feeling depressed enough as it is without being reminded that this job is not what I hoped it would be at all. That this change has not built me up in the least. Without giving me something else to ruminate about.
I hate that feeling depressed is a feeling so familiar, that I constantly regenerate it to feel safe.