I hope I never have to make the decision whether or not to switch someone’s life support off.
Oh that’s easy – naming the something, not the forgiving bit: My father for emotionally abusing my mother.
I’m sure we’ll both (mom and I) forgive him some day – maybe she already has – but until this divorce is finalised I want nothing to do with him and I pretty much hate him. Yes, I know that’s a strong word and yes, I know it’s a negative emotion that affects me more than him, but for what he’s done to her, for writing me off more times than I care to remember, I have more than just a strong dislike for him.
This is a very difficult one for me. It forces me to face how selfish I’ve been. Well, used to be, I hope.
There was a time in my life where I was the only thing that mattered. I was young and moody and wanted to do my own thing.
I was not dependable as a protective big sister when we took a girl in to foster and later attempted to adopt. I felt threatened, I suppose, and insecure – I wasn’t a good enough daughter – and this scared little girl was on the receiving end of my misery.
I was not a patient grandchild. I suppose I was only acting the way teenagers typically do, but I hated sitting still and being hugged too hard. It’s too late to get those hugs now.
I was a terrible friend. I was blind to a friend’s depression, because it was not something I had recognised in myself yet. At least I’m getting a second chance to make that right now.
Just because things didn’t work out the way I wanted it to; just because I was unable or unwilling to see things through, just because I did or do things some people will not approve of, does not make me a disappointment. Looking back, overall, I’m sure I’ve made them proud. I need to believe that.
I trust she’s forgiven me. I know they have forgiven me, and he’s giving me a second chance, so the only person that needs to forgive, let go and forget is me…
There has been a lot of things on my mind this morning. Some of them relate to my 30 Days of truth challenge – I am actively avoiding today’s challenge. Will do it, of course, but it will not do my emotional state any favours.
On to what the cards are saying. Remember you can go here for your own free reading.
Card 1 (Temperance) : How you feel about yourself now »
You feel a need for harmony and balance in your life and indeed are starting to feel that some peace has already been restored. If you have been through some tough times, such as a break up of a relationship or financial problems, peace will be restored. However if you are still experiencing problems, this is a time for calm, careful control and patience and you will soon have a sense of normality again.
Card 2 (The Fool) : What you most want at this moment »
The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is just to be happy, and you are searching for the one thing that will bring happiness. You want a new start but feel unsure of what you want or where you want to go. Romantically you have mixed feelings regarding another – part of you wants to enter the relationship wholeheartedly, part of you wants to hold back. So if you are in a relationship that empowers you, stay, if not it is time to move on.
Card 3 (Justice) : Your fears »
There could be agreements or legal affairs that concern you and you certainly don’t want to lose – you feel quite strongly that you are in the right. Stay calm and level-headed and seek sound counsel if you need to.
Card 4 (Wheel Of Fortune) : What is going for you »
Call it fate or destiny but the run of good luck or good fortune you are experiencing or about to experience is mostly not of your doing – enjoy this time. If there seem to be a number of positive coincidences happening in your life this is known as synchronicity, go with the flow and trust it.
Card 5 (The Emperor) : What is going against you »
You may be over ambitious at this time, success may remain just out of your reach for a while. Are you being assertive and positive enough? Or are you using aggressive, bullying tactics to no avail? Do not mis-use your authority or if you have requested help from a strong, successful man don’t let him bully you – he either helps or leaves you to get on with things yourself.
Card 6 (The Devil) : Outcome »
If your previous cards have been positive and your main consideration has been about a relationship then there’s a possibility of commitment, even a proposal of marriage. If this is not the case this a final opportunity for you to change course, because the temptation you are experiencing concerning a relationship, money or materialism or any other kind of addiction won’t lead to a happy ending. If you are feeling low in self-belief and self-worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence – it’s not too late to change direction.
The first thing that comes to mind is my inability to let go – especially of negative things/feelings. Ruminating, like that article in the NY Times which I linked to yesterday calls it. Replaying situations/scenarios and wondering how I could have handled it differently, or how an alternative outcome could have been brought about.
And something that ties in with that is allowing other people’s mood to influence mine – but usually only when it’s negative. This morning, case in point. I wasn’t in a great mood, but I was venturing just-just above the ‘neutral’ level. Until I made it to the office. One colleague shared how she struggles to be content with her new job; she’s only been here a month. I’ve been here for three and every day the struggle gets more difficult. So that immediately made my mood dip below ‘neutral’. I was slowly pulling myself back up when another colleague arrived and started complaining from the moment she got to her desk, which is right next to mine.
I’m feeling depressed enough as it is without being reminded that this job is not what I hoped it would be at all. That this change has not built me up in the least. Without giving me something else to ruminate about.
I hate that feeling depressed is a feeling so familiar, that I constantly regenerate it to feel safe.