Monthly Archives: July 2011

Current shoe obsession

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While the orthopaedic surgeon assured me that occasionally wearing high heels will not make my back pain any worse, I’m trying very hard to move my focus from lovely sky-high stilettos to something a little more functional.

I’m somewhat ashamed to admit that I’ve never owned a pair of Dr Martens. I never thought I was cool enough, and now that I know better, I don’t know where to buy them – if I could afford them, that is. But these iconic shoes come in different colours, styles, lengths and finishes. I’d love a variety of the 12, 14 and 20 eye boots – black, grey, oxblood, peacock.

So I’ll be adding them to my wish list – hopefully one of the things I can cross off again sooner rather than later.

Stupid universe

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Stupid former sister in law. Stupid former father. Stupid life. Stupid stupid.

Every time I develop the intention of saving a bit of money, something happens. If it’s not the x-rays and doctors’ bills that fall into my self-payment gap, it’s a gross wardrobe failure, necessitating the urgent scheduling of a bit of essential and expensive shopping. Except, without the backup of a credit card, neither the shopping nor the payment of bills have happened yet, although arrangements have been made to pay the x-rays over three months. (I’m still anxiously awaiting the shock of two orthopaedic consultation bills.)

Meanwhile my mom was happily planning on buying the bath for our new flat, when she received news that a) the settlement amount on our home is about R20 000 more than she planned and b) she needs to pay close to R3 000 to the social worker assigned to my nephew’s case. Because my brother’s first wife is a fucking bitch (FB). There, I said it.

The social worker told both my brother and the FB that neither of them are allowed to tell my nephew the outcome of the mediation; that the social worker will tell him when his parents go in to sign the parenting plan. And then FB told him the morning before they signed. I feel she should pay that R550 penalty because SHE broke the rules. She also refused to drive with my mom to the social worker’s office, saying she’ll get in the car with anyone but my mom. I contemplated taking to Twitter to find her a chauffeur for the day. In the end the social worker went to FB’s home, charging an additional R790 (which I feel that miserable cow should pay for too). And for going through the plan again to ensure everyone’s familiar with the content, she charged the balance of the money my mom has to pay. And despite the plan stating that no party is allowed to bad mouth the party or their extended families, FB has got plenty nasty and untrue things to say about my mom to my nephew. There should be a fine for that too, but she’s so stingy, trying to get any money out of her is simply pissing in the wind. Have I mentioned she’s a fucking bitch?

So ja. Mom and I are both a little down in the dumps while I shake my fist at the universe, demanding… well, I don’t demand. But dammit, we need a break from all this misery!

Have dreams, will spend a night (or two, or…)

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Following yesterday’s frivolous post, I decided to stubbornly believe that there’s no harm in a bit of daydreaming (if I repeat it enough I might believe it). And so I’m blogging a list of hotels I wouldn’t mind a stay over at. The Milkwood suite at Teremok Marine  looks like what the perfect seaside holiday should look – clean, calm and with a sea view.

I’ve been fortunate to have had lunch at the Le Franschhoek Hotel and Spa before, and it was really something. I remember walking through the garden thinking this is a place I’d love to spend some time at.

Almost two years ago I spent a weekend at a hotel in Clarens that didn’t blow me away, and when we walked into town and I saw the Protea Hotel Clarens, I wished I’d known about it – it looked like a pleasant place to stay, and was in a great location.

I’d love to stay in one of the highest rooms in the Michelangelo Towers and look out over Sandton. A view is always important.

Rumours have it that Fire & Ice! Melrose Arch has the most amazing milkshakes. I’d like to try a few, preferably on a bed where I can just roll over and nap when my tummy’s reached bursting point.

Fit for a princess, so I’d like to give it a try too. The Oyster Box Hotel is also famed for fabulous high tea in KZN. And it might not exactly be Monaco, Johannesburg’s own Pink Palace, the Westcliff Hotel, is an undisputed Queen of High Tea, as far as I’m concerned.

I’ve been to conferences and weddings at the Sheraton Pretoria Hotel and Towers, but would love to wake up to a view of Jacarandas in bloom outside a window.

Some other hotels that I’ve read great things about and would love to visit:

15 on Orange Hotel

Arabella Hotel and Spa

Mount Grace Country House and Spa

Mount Nelson Hotel

One & Only Cape Town Resort and Spa

Palazzo Montecasino

Saxon Boutique Hotel and Spa

The Peech Johannesburg Boutique Hotel and Bistro

Twelve Apostles Hotel and Spa

I won’t even bother with looking at cool places abroad. I’m quite content with keeping my dreams local for now.

Another dreadful countdown

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Five months. That’s all I have to plan my next mother of a pity party. You see, yesterday I was watching reruns (are there any other kind of show on DSTV?) of Cake Boss, when I realised it’s downhill to my next birthday. And I pondered getting some people together, feeding them cake (as much as I’d like to keep all the cake in the world for myself) in a pleasant setting, along with some fabulous drinky-goodies. Well, I pondered for all of 10 minutes before realising that I don’t have money for a venue, cake and drinky-goodies for people outside my family (and even the family will only get the tiniest slices of cake and will have to make their own coffee). And any money I manage to save in the meantime I’d rather spend on making myself happy than feeding other people. Yes, I guess I’m a little strange that way. Maybe one day when I’m not obsessing about having enough food for my family, about paying my debt and about money in general, I’ll happily entertain the masses. In fact, I’m so hopeful about that, I’ve added it to my bucket list. Some of you (yes, I’m assuming I have a large and wide-read audience), may have seen my list before, but I’ve modified it to having those things I reasonably expect to achieve within the next year or two (so if anyone feels like helping me cross any off the list in five months, you know how to get hold of me). Also, that was not a hint for the friendly neighbourhood stalker. I’m trying to see how many and how generous readers of this blog are (trying to be optimistic here).

Hot air balloon ride
A spa day with all the trimmings (maybe even an overnight stay)
Learn to sketch
Learn to make something new with origami
Sew a dress
Throw a big party
Host book club meeting
Make candles
Take a proper holiday, like at a resort or something like that.
Complete La Mer range
Christian Louboutin heels (Or at least sexy heels from Aldo)
64GB iPod touch/16GB iPod Nano
Diamond earings (nothing big and blingy; plain little studs would do)
Red heels
Macbook
Tattoo
Kindle 4 + skin + lighted leather cover (apple green)
High tea at The Saxon (I love the Westcliff, but think it’s time to try something new. Although, as long as there’s cake I’ll go anywhere!)
A new bed – one I can choose for aesthetics and comfort
A reading chair for my room (because my bed can’t handle my sleeping in AND living on it)

Now to start saving in order to make these happen. I’ve requested a quote for the tattoo – I think it’s important for the stage in my life I’m going through; maybe that will be the first thing I cross off the list.

Another emotional rollercoaster

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Last Wednesday I went to see the orthopaedic surgeon about the constant and rather debilitating pain sprouting from my lower back again for the last three or so months. After some pulling, prodding, twisting and x-rays, the diagnosis was an inflamed nerve. Something about Schmorl’s nodes on L1 and L2. Dispatched with a script for seriously hectic pain killers (specific for this neuropathy) and a week-long course of cortisone, as well as instructions to return in three weeks. I ended up locking my car’s keys still in the ignition (terrible and recently often recurring habit) when I stopped to pick up meds.

A week later I can report the following: despite strange and unusual shooting pains on the right side of lower back on Sunday night/Monday morning, I have not experienced any significant pain in my back or left leg since Saturday; x-rays are bloody expensive, and since my medical aid isn’t paying for it, I’ve fortunately been able to arrange to pay for it over three months; did not take any Lyrica last night – just to see how the pain is doing underneath all the chemicals and because I’d like to spend a day not feeling hazy; this is the coldest winter I’ve ever experienced in my life. The last bit is relevant because the colder it gets, the worse my back spasms and my leg hurts. I’ve also noticed that despite it being pain free, I often still rub my leg, just above the knee, usually when I’m feeling emotionally unbalanced. Except for now. I’m rubbing the knee because the pain is definitely still there under the Lyrica-induced relief.

Over the weekend mom and I bought some groceries (in bulk from Makro). In hindsight, my mom has had some panic attacks at the thought of how much money we spent. Considering that for the past 11 months she’s been mostly living of bread and tomato sauce, I can see how this was a shock for her. I did try to keep expenses down by choosing moderate amounts, rather than big amounts, but she chose the 9kg washing powder when I considered the 5kg, etc. So yes, we (she) spent more than what I was aiming for. For my part I spent bit at the butchery, but my days are long and cold, and I have no desire to go hungry, or in good conscience, let my mother go hungry either. How we’re going to make it to the end of the month, I’m not sure. It’s times like these that I miss the false security of credit cards, overdrafts, revolving credit, etc. It has been almost two months since I gave all of that up, and will be paying for it for about another six years (unless some miracle happens). If I still had my trusty Visa I’d have bought for the groceries without blinking. I have no desire to buy clothes or shoes or anything frivolous like that (although I need a few winter tops, evidently – after three years the couple of shirts I have are a little worse for wear, and have I mentioned that this is the coldest winter I’ve ever experienced?). I’d spend money to feed us.

Last night, after mom recovered from her panic attack and told me that when we move into our new flat there are likely to be no cupboards, no floor coverings and that the only room finished will be the bathroom, it was my turn to have an attack of conscience. I’m worried that moving into an unfinished place will mean we never finish it; at the very least not in a way that my mom wanted, and this was her chance to get her own little dream place. But she had to modify her plans to ensure that there is a room for me, because I’m too pathetic to take care of myself like someone of my age is supposed to. So the larger flat is going to cost more than what she’ll have left from the sale of the house (which seems to be going fine – oh, I never blogged that; the house has been sold, and plans for the flat will hopefully be submitted no later than next week. This means we’ll be moving in with my brother and his family at the end of the month at the latest).

And so I started my “everything would be so much better if I were no more” cycle of thinking. Because I’d not have to worry about medical expenses, painful limbs, thinning hair, uneven skin tone (when I get depressed, I get depressed about *everything* in my life that’s wrong); I’d not be the reason my mother spends thousands on groceries, or several thousands more on modifying her new home. In fact, if she were to get her portion of my life insurance designated to her, she’ll be able to pay for everything relating to her new place without a second thought. Similarly, my best friend would not have to borrow money against his car and work through the night to try and make ends meet.

But here I am. Pouring my misery into a blog post instead. And because I have no choice but carry on, I’m pondering how to make changes to what has become a stifling routine.  Or maybe I should just carry on and risk death by boredom.

July zombie

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“Punk’s not dead”… well, if you say so. This zombie’s spine has obviously been left behind – it doesn’t want to stand upright by itself, thus I’ve had my little “The Writer’s Block” by Jason Rekulak help it a little.

Punk Zombie

July tarot reading

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It’s terrible, I know. I haven’t updated my blog in so long I even forgot the name! So let’s start with the Lotus Tarot for the month.

The Fool

Card 1 (The Fool) : How you feel about yourself now  »

You feel discontent or uneasy and feel a need for a change in your life, a new direction, perhaps even an adventure. You might not know where you want to go, just that you don’t want to stay where you are. It’s a time for optimism and major decisions – unexpected influences could have a powerful effect on your decision making. Ask yourself, is what you desire really the right thing for you?

 

The Hermit

Card 2 (The Hermit) : What you most want at this moment  »

The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is to know what to do, as well as companionship or a lover as you feel somewhat lonely or isolated at the moment. Perhaps you are feeling exhausted and in need of a rest – if you have been ill this is a time for rest and recuperation.

 

 

Justice

Card 3 (Justice) : Your fears  »

There could be agreements or legal affairs that concern you and you certainly don’t want to lose – you feel quite strongly that you are in the right. Stay calm and level headed and seek sound counsel if you need to.

 

 

The High Priestess

Card 4 (The High Priestess) : What is going for you  »

All lines are open in your telephone exchange with your intuition, and there is no better guide than your intuition. Listen, listen carefully and the secret you want revealed will be shared with you.

 

 

Death

Card 5 (Death) : What is going against you  »

This is a time of anxiety, depression and fear with all the turmoil and distressing events happening in your life – it’s time to show what you are made of. What has now come to an end leaves room for brand new beginnings in life, love and career. However radical events may be in your life, believe that life goes on and life is what you make of it.

 

The Devil

Card 6 (The Devil) : Outcome  »

If your previous cards have been positive and your main consideration has been about a relationship then there’s a possibility of commitment, even a proposal of marriage. If this is not the case this a final opportunity for you to change course, because the temptation you are experiencing concerning a relationship, money or materialism or any other kind of addiction won’t lead to a happy ending. If you are feeling low in self-belief and self worth and doubt your abilities, don’t, have more confidence – its not too late to change direction.